Self-Esteem: The Personal Journey Behind Confidence and Growth

My father was in the military, and as a child we moved. A lot. Because of this, it seemed like I was in a new school every couple of years. For me, it was a whole new set of people watching me, judging me, waiting to see if I measured up. It felt terrible.

I also stood out for all the wrong reasons: I had a shock of bright red hair, a zillion freckles, adult-sized ears on a child, and… I was mouthy. I had been blessed with a quick wit, and it became my weapon of choice to deal with a world obsessed with status. I became a verbal bully — looking for weaknesses in others so I could be the funny guy people would accept, all while wondering why I couldn't be accepted as just me.

Every day, I fixed my mask firmly in place, drew my weapons, and reluctantly faced the world, waiting for the next attack. To say I spent most of my childhood running away from me instead of working on me is an understatement. My self-esteem was in daily, sometimes hourly, flux. I couldn’t get a grip on who I was or what I was supposed to be doing. I was a mess.

How Self-Esteem Begins to Grow

Fast forward a few decades, and I don’t feel like a mess anymore. I like who I have become. I know my talents, recognize my shortcomings, and use them to continually grow myself — and help others grow themselves.

So what happened in between? In short: people happened.

I was lucky enough to meet people who cared enough to see beneath my mask, called me out on my defensive strategies, and pushed me to realize that the fight for me was:

• Worthy

• Daily

• Never-ending

I fought them tooth and nail. After all, my habits were ingrained. I had worked hard on my mask and weapons, and there was comfort in my madness.

I was so used to bouncing between feeling better than others or worse than others that feeling equal felt out of place. I was strangely attached to the constant worry of what people thought of me — and I had no idea what would replace that worry if I let it go.

But these people persisted. They didn’t take no for an answer. They made me work… for me.

Because of them, I learned much about self-esteem and have become an advocate for everyone’s fight to feel equal.

Five Truths About Self-Esteem

These are my opinions — formed through experience and growth:

1. It is intensely personal.

You cannot change someone’s self-esteem. Only they can.

2. You cannot argue someone into better self-esteem.

Schools have tried with trophies, affirmations, and “participation awards.”It hasn’t worked. Bullying is up, not down. Discipline is worse, not better.

3. To “be” different, you must “act” different.

Self-esteem is changed by action — not talk.

4. It is a brick-by-brick building process.

It requires patience and honesty.

5. You must be invited into someone’s self-esteem journey.

Show how much you care before you show how much you know.

The Paradox of Self-Esteem

I’ve been a coach, teacher, and leader for many years now — and I’ve come to enjoy the battle for “me.” I still make mistakes. I still fight old habits. But I’m better than I was, and planning to be better than I am.

Here’s the strange part: My self-esteem is tied to others in a very real way. By learning how to grow myself, I am better able to help others grow — and as they grow, my self-esteem grows.

Weird, huh?

The paradox of self-esteem is this:

The answer people seek to raise their self-esteem lies outside themselves. But the battle to get there lies within.

It is personal. It is frustrating. And it is absolutely worth it. So… how’s your self-esteem?

If this story encouraged you to reflect on your own growth journey, explore how leadership coaching can support confidence, clarity, and self-awareness. Here's our approach.